Friday, May 31, 2002

Day of Retribution

On a recent study, conducted by a research team in Washington State University, smokers have 50% less chance of getting Parkinson's disease. It turns out that smoking inhibits the production of certain toxic or harmful enzymes that may cause Parkinson's. So take that, you whiny non-smoking pricks. While you health fascists are shaking harder than a fetus inside a woman addicted to salsa dancing, I'll be opening my pack of Camels with sure and steady hands. Serves those fucking bastards right.

Saturday, May 25, 2002

Shiny New Toy

FINALLY! After digging two ditches, laying pipes, reapeatedly calling, threatening, cajoling, and begging the phone company for two months, I finally have a second phone line. So no more disconnecting every so often and leaving the phone free for a while to see if someone's is trying to call me, or if I wanted to make a call, or whatever. The only trick now is for the phone company to get of their ass and give me a dial tone. They told me tomorrow, but you know the phone company. The only workers who work slower than a utilities company is goverment employees. Especially the DMV. Ugh.

Oh, and a dog update: I'm so happy with my dog today. I just reaffirmed how smart that dog is, unless food or his dick gets in the way, of course. When I went to the kitchen to get something this evening, he came over to me and when I looked at him, pointed in the other direction, went a little and look back, to show me that I should follow him. And when I did, he stopped right before his water bowl, and pointed to it with his snout, and when I looked, it was empty. Wow. So I filled it, and he was so thirsty, drank most of the bowl, so I refilled it again just to make sure. He did this to me three times already. Usually I'm good about filling his water, but got too excited about the new phone line today.

Thursday, May 23, 2002

Diarrhea Of Words

I got this flyer at a gas station today, and it fucking cracked me up so much, I had to share it. I'm typing it verbatim, and the bold face is theirs.

Opne was BOLEX TIRE SHOP on May , 10, 2002.Your presence will be honored for the purchase of tires, inner tubes and request for the repairs of them. You will be offered favorable prices and "complimentary ticket" against which you can enjoy free repairs of either exterior tires or inner tubes. Buy 1 to 4 tire(s) or inner tube(s). Enjoy 1 to 4 free reapir(s) accordingly.

I think it's safe to say that you can make up your own jokes here. Only thing I wanna know is, what were they smoking when writing this abortion, and where can I get some?

Wednesday, May 22, 2002

Stadium Seating

I just came back from a screening of Spiderman, and it was a fairly good movie, I think. At least for what it is, a action adventure movie, it was pretty fun, and a joy to watch, a good popcorn flick. Except that the last scene with MJ and Peter was the hokiest dialogue I've seen this side of a student film. And since I'm a great big fan of Willem Dafoe since his Platoon days, I always enjoyed the parts where him or his voice came out. A good superhero movie is defined by how good an actor the villain is. But still, I think that the penultimate comic book superhero movie ever is Unbreakable. That movie was such a good superhero movie that I don't think any other picture, even Ang Lee's Hulk can surpass it. Even great superhero movies like Burton's Batman or Singer's X-Men was not as good as Unbreakable. THAT was a work of art.

Next week, I'm going to see Star Wars Episode II. Seeing it a week late, to avoid all the weirdos. I mean, there's probably still gonna be the weirdos, seeing the movie for the 20th time, but I want to try to minimize the dork factor when I'm viewing a movie.

Monday, May 20, 2002

Steep Bank

Obviously, my run of bad luck doesn't run only towards scoring chicks. Even when I go to the bank, fate is giving me the finger. Whenever I'm on the line there, the 5 people in front of me always have 20 fucking accounts they gotta take care of right that instant, making complex banking transactions that will make JP Morgan proud. And then there's the 50 year old woman reordering checks, needing 45 minutes to decide if she should get the "Wild Ducks in Flight" or "Great Trees of the American Northwest" check sets. Spent and hour in line so I can deposit my two checks.

In Dog news, gave him a bath today. I don't understand why he hates baths. I mean he's so happy afterwards, reveling in the clean feeling. But I gotta yell at him and threaten him with grievous bodily harm to get him in the tub. He still can't correlate between clean happy feeling and a bath. Moron.

Sunday, May 19, 2002

Old Folks' Home

The other day, one of my friends, who is a year older than me, told me that he found his first wrinkle. When he confided in me, I made sympathetic noises like a good buddy, but was thanking fortune that I would never have that problem. I'm not saying that I'm never gonna get any wrinkles, but never gonna look in the mirror closely enough to notice until they get really, really deep, with the ugly mug that I have. I mean whenever I'm in the bathroom going through my ablutions, I intentionally only look at the spot that is receiving the attention. When I'm shaving, for example, I only look at my chin, or when I'm brushing my teeth, I only look at my mouth. Years of living with my face have made me an expert at ignoring it when I have to look in a mirror. Although I like my hair, usually, so I look in the mirror when I get the chance. Only at my hair though, my eyes glide past my face without really looking at it.

Sometimes, being ugly is good. Sometimes.

Friday, May 17, 2002

When Pigs Fly

On my last post, Antigone commented: "I don't know. It seems that guys who are willing to go through that are the ones who actually GET some pussy."

You know what, if I HAVE TO wear milk jugs on my chest and feed a baby just to get pussy, I can live without it. I mean, there's a limit to a man, y'know? And what the fuck is wrong with a bottle? I would have no problems feeding a baby with a bottle. That milk jug thing is just...pathetic. I would never stoop that low.

And now back to figure out a way to use Dog to impress chicks at the beach...

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

Hell Freezes Over

Look at this pussy whipped bastard. Poor guy. I wonder if he has to do the dishes too.

Tuesday, May 14, 2002

Dumb As A Post's the time of the year again when I hate myself and find myself really boring. During these times I have absolutely no doubt in my mind why I can't score. I mean, I'm so boring right now it's not even funny. Well, not funny at all. That's why I didn't blog the past couple of days. And the worst part is that I'm constantly thinking about something to blog about, but can't come up with any. Yuck, now I feel icky all over. I think I'm gonna go hang myself with my dick.

Sunday, May 12, 2002

Bite Marks

I was watching a show on Animal Planet last night about shark attacks, and the idiot host, in the closing moments, cracked something about how many more people get injured on the toilet than by getting attacked by sharks. Like 40,000 people in the US gets hurt in the toilet every year, while only like 20 people or so are attacked by sharks. And I couldn't help myself from laughing my ass off, since I never heard about a toilet bowl biting a big chunk of meat off your body or even worse, swallowing your ass whole. I don't know about you, but something tearing off a hunk of me while I'm still wearing it kinda bothers me a little bit, y'know? Even more so than the toilet.

Saturday, May 11, 2002

Gone To Seed

Each meeting I have with a client, more and more I despair at the level of humanity. I think I already wrote about the stupid idiotic clients. But sometimes even more frustrating is those people who use their puny little brains too much. As much as I hate stupid people, I loathe those scheming, conniving clients as much, if not more. In my view, they're both morons. Shit, I long for days when my client base were composed mostly of criminals. At least it was simpler back then.

Friday, May 10, 2002

Wide Awake Drunk

I just came back from a meeting with a client who's leaving on the red-eye flight at 2:30AM. So spent a couple of hours discussing shit with him, being lubricated by a drink or two or ten. So naturally, I'm wide awake. I don't know if it's just me personally, or if anyone else like this, but unless I drink myself to stupor, if I have moderate amount to drink (moderate meaning less than 15 drinks) it wakes me up, even more so than coffee. Since right now, I just have a slight buzz going and not really drunk, I'm wide awake, and appears that I will be awake for hours more. Damn. I'm tired, and not sleepy. Not a good combination, that one.

Thursday, May 09, 2002

Rug Merchant

I saw Paul McCartney's new video last night on VH-1. And I felt this when I was watching his apperance on the Superbowl halftime show this year, and also while I was watching the new video, but....

Is it just me, or is Paul McCartney wearing a rug?

Wednesday, May 08, 2002

Shipment Of Fools

I just got a new package today, finally got my copies of the games I ordered almost two months ago!!! Damn stupid post office, they sent it priority mail, too. And one of the games (I got two) has like 40 megabytes of patches!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!! And here I am with my 56k connection. Jesus fucking Christ, why can't they finish the fucking game before they release it? Anyways, gonna take me all night to download it, and while downloading, no porn. Awwww....I think I'm gonna cry.

Now if just the two games I ordered last month would come....gonna be as happy as can be. Well, as happy as I can be without getting any tail of course. Getting some while playing new games....woo-hoo!

Tuesday, May 07, 2002

Fashion Unconcious

I went to pick up my brother at his school today, and I saw this chick with a thick ankle length dress walking by. Now, I live on a tropical island, and the weather today was sunny, hot, humid, and pushing 90 degrees. And I was sweating just sitting in the car in my jean shorts and tshirt with the car AC going on full blast, so that chick must have been roasting under that skirt. Fashion is good and all, but not if you're sweating like a pig. So I couldn't resist the temptation of rolling down my window, thus getting a heat blast straight to my butt ugly face, and yelling at her if she was hot as she looked. It didn't get me much, chick just snorted and walked away. Oh, and I pissed off my brother since I was embarassing him at his school. All in all, just another typical day for me.

Sick Like A Dog

My dog has been coughing, wheezing, retching and sneezing all day today. I swear that Dog thinks he's a person or something. Of all the dogs that I had, never seen a dog who would get sick like this. So of course I had to take him to the vet and the vet gave him some painkillers. Dog has it good. Dog has seen more doctors in 6 months than I do in ten years. Live like a dog, huh? So anyways, feel really sorry for him, since he retched a couple of times on the floor, and he's feeling real guilty now, since Dog knows when he did something wrong, like puking on the rug or eating food he's not supposed to eat. Anyways, no one is pissed off anyways, since he's sick and puking is not something he can control anyways. Now if he steals my food, that's when his ass is gonna get kicked.

On the idiot client front, spent the whole morning with them, and gonna have to see them again in a couple of hours. Fortunately I see the light at the end of the tunnel for them, and after only a few more meetings, hopefully it will end. Ugh. After I send my final bill, I don't want anything to do with them ever again. But with my luck, those dumbshits gonna get into trouble again in a bit, and gonna come calling again. Fucking retards.

Monday, May 06, 2002

Idiot Nation

Is it just me or is people getting stupider and stupider? I got this family of clients that is in some deep shit right now, and all they can think about is making other people (i.e. me) do all the work, and complaining bitterly, loudly and at great length at every opportunity they get. Jesus fucking Christ, if I was in half as much trouble as they are in right now, no, even in one quarter of the trouble, I would work my ass off trying to get out of it, not bitch and moan at everyone. I swear, sometimes I just wanna rip their faces off, or at least ream them a new asshole, their heads are so thick. Hmph. At least they haven't stiffed on their payments yet. And sometimes as I tune out as they drone on and on, I wonder if they were napping when god was passing out brains. And I can bet that they're complaining about me right now too.

Then there's this other guy...ah never mind. Just gonna piss me off more.

Sunday, May 05, 2002

Photo Opportunity

I bought a webcam a few weeks ago, and I've been looking through the pics I took with it. It kinda surprises me that I bought the webcam like three weeks ago, and took like 30 pictures. Even more surprising is that only two of them are of my face. And the most surprising of all is that it didn't break after taking pictures of my face. I mean, when I first turned it on, and my face appeared, I almost half expected it to explode or something. And although I think I saw a little bit of smoke coming out of it after I took my second picture, it still works.

Or it could just be my ever present lit cigarette. *Cough, cough*

Saturday, May 04, 2002

General Malaise

For the past few days, for some reason, I couldn't write. Could not think of anything to write about, did not even log into blogger, and worse of all, I've been uninterested in my favorite message board that I hang out in. I can't shake the feeling that somehow my life is very dull and uninteresting. And I remember what I posted a few months ago, that the thing I hate the most is to feel or hear that I'm uninteresting.

Shit, thinking about my life made me so depressed that I wanna go and hang myself with my dick. Hmmmm...happy thoughts, happy thoughts...