21 Dick Salute

Linda Boreman, AKA Linda Lovelace, died in Denver on Tuesday. Lovelace is best known for her role in the seminal porno film "Deep Throat". And although she, in later in life, claimed that she was forced to perform, sometimes at gunpoint, thus causing flaccidness to porno lovers everywhere, she will be remembered as the first chick to throat fuck a guy on a theater screen. I'm sure many dicks will remember and mourn her passing. A moment of silent stroking for the fallen starlet...

...

...

Ok. So where's that porn?

Dearth Of A Life

I spent all weekend basically just moping around the house because of this damn stupid cold. I had this for days, and it doesn't seem to get any better. In fact, some new symptoms started showing up yesterday, including congestion, sneezing, and extra mucus production so much blowing of nose. Shit, and you know what that means, right? I'm crying like a little baby due to the severely itchy sinuses. I am crying right now, even. Not MANLY. Not MANLY at all. Dammit.

Nothing Else

So got a partial confirmation today on the earthquake, or the strength of it. Won't know here until tomorrow, since there's no news worthy items on weekends, apparently, but the landmass closest to the epicenter, about 30 miles away, recorded 7.2 on the Richter scale. So that would mean that it was at least upper 4's or lower 5's here. And that's a minimum. *Shudder* Man, that sends fresh chills down my spine again. If I find out exactly how strong tomorrow, that'll be the last entry on this matter, ever.

Aftershock

I've been talking to some friends and acquaintances over the past few hours, and it was a pretty big earthquake. I mean it wasn't the one that sinks the island under the ocean but it was pretty big. I heard that stuff rattled, bottles got knocked off shelves and people were driven out from their beds to outside in their undies, fleeing for their lives. Fucking cowards.

I am proud to say that I have kept my post in front of the computer, since I BE MANLY! Although I had to go lie down a bit afterwards.

Shake, Rattle, And Roll

A little past 2 AM this morning, I was engaged in my usual pastime in front of my computer. Y'know, mouse in right hand, JUNior in left, porno on the screen...then I felt a little strange. I thought I was feeling lightheaded or a vertigious from the lack of blood to the brain, since it happens occasionally. But it was lasting a little longer than a physiological reaction, so either I was really sick, or...EARTHQUAKE!!! I think it was at least a four on the richter scale, and it went on for a while, too, almost 10 seconds. And the house was croaking and creaking too, and it's a scary sound, since I live in a concrete bunker of a house. It was definitely the worst earthquake here in years, and we had several.

Unfortunately, I can't get independent confirmation, since the newspapers don't publish in the weekends. Appparently they think that nothing of importance happens in the weekends. Figures, since they get 75% of their material from the goverment or the AP. In fact their idea of investigative reporting is calling the government information office and asking for press statements. So won't get confirmation until Monday, and I'm too sick and tired to go searching for it on the internet.

Down With The Sickness

It's confirmed. I'm sick. And I still have work tomorrow morning. Man, I hate this. If I'm sick, I wanna be really sick. Like bedridden, can't even stand up sick. I hate this just sick enough to be a major drag shit. Hmph, not making any sense. I think I'm gonna go to bed.

Too Much Cigarette Man

Hmph. I think I'm coming down with a cold or something. Either that or I've been smoking too much. I don't think so though, since aside from really sore throat I also have a fucking headache and fell a little spacy. A few of my online buddies had colds recently too, wonder if colds can be transmitted through the internet. Aw shit, now I'm becoming stupid. I definitely have a cold.

And I have a meeting tomorrow morning too, with a couple of really dumb and annoying clients. And it's a Saturday. Damn, I don't need to be pounding simple ideas through thick skulls on a Saturday morning...

Second Time Around

Ok, so here's a new version of what I was trying to type last night...

So last night, after taking a shower, I was feeling a little hungry, so I went to the kitchen to make me a little sandwich. So I put it on the table, and went back to the kitchen to get a soda, and when I turned around, I saw Dog standing with his front paws on the table, eating my sandwich. So by the time I yelled at him to get down and ran to the table, he already wolfed down half of my sandwich and covered Dog drool all over the rest of it. I had to show Dog who was the leader of the pack in our family, by a firm boot to the rear or two.

Thing is, though, I wouldn't be too mad if Dog was stupid. But that son of a bitch knows exactly what he is doing. Like when I point to the thing he ate without permission, he slinks away, head down, tail between legs, with a guilty expression on his face. He's a super genius when it comes to food, weighing if the benefits of the food outweighs the inevitable ass kicking. I mean, two months ago I made 2 pounds of marinated beef, y'know, so I can enjoy them for the next few weeks, and then the phone rang so I went to answer the phone, leaving the bowl of raw meat on the kitchen counter. And less than a minute after, when I came back, the bowl was clean. It couldn't have been cleaner even if I had scrubbed it. And the bowl was covered, too, the bastard popped the cover off with his nose. Boy, did he get it that day, all day, whenever his transgression popped into my mind. But I swear when I wasn't looking, that cocksucker was smirking. Then when I look, he mopes around, looks at me with his big ol' puppy dog eyes, trying to ellicit some sympathy.

That's when I kick his ass again. No Dog is gonna manipulate me.

Crash!!!

MOTHERFUCKER! When I was just finishing up my entry about Dog, the fucking stupid computer crashes on my ass. Pisses me off. Gotta type it out again. FUCK! And it's always less funny and interesting the second time I type it. DAMN! I'm too pissed off and tired to type it again. Maybe tomorrow I'll post it. SHIT!

Back To Normal

Hmph. Now AOL seems to be fine. Stupid, motherfucking, lamebrained, airheaded, cocksucking AOL.

Donkeywork

Hmph. After the picture of Shinchan, AKA Mini-me on the island, went down, spent the morning trying to get the backup pic in place. But for fuck's sake, I couldn't get the Blogger to save the template. I swear Blogger window has something against me. Hmmm...perhaps it might be easier if I wear a ski mask when I'm blogging. It might be my face, y'know. It won't hurt, and I'll never know until I try.

::Digs in the closet for ski mask::

This Just In

I was suffering from a small bout of imsomnia last night, so was flipping through the channels, when I caught Lisa Loeb on this stupid late night VH-1 talk show. Man, I had such a crush on her when she first came out, and she's still hot looking. It's probably her glasses. Anyways, I was watching her last night, with lust in my heart, and something else in my hand, realizing how good she still looked. I mean, what, she's gotta be 40, at least, right? :ducks:

Fringe Benefits

Or Why Doesn't This Ever Happen To Me?

I read in the newspaper yesterday that some guy had filed a sexual harassment suit against two female coworkers. The two females allegedly made crude, suggestive remarks, grabbed his butt and his crotch, hugged him suggestively, etc. And the saddest part is that this faggot (read: balless individual, not homosexual) couldn't take it anymore and withdrew his complaint and quit his job while the two women are still working there. Heh, perhaps I should apply for it, since that company obviously has an opening. I mean, a job where women come on to you will be my version of the ideal job.

Hmph. Upon further reflection I came to remember the last time I looked in the mirror, 3 weeks ago. Will never happen with the face that I have, even if those two chicks are still there. Now I wanna cry.

Pusshy Galo-u

I was watching The Grinch again for the 10,000th time on Starz!, and once again, got this impression. Is it just me, or is Jim Carrey desperately trying to impersonate Sean Connery?

Flame Of Love

Stupid News From Around The World

An unemployed 40 year old man in Thailand, distraught that his 40 year old girlfriend had dumped him for another man, decided to demonstrate his undying love. He went to his girlfriend's house, stood on her front door, doused himself with gasoline and lit himself on fire. Fortunately, the retard didn't die, but was hospitalized for second degree burns on his arms, legs and torso. Oh he also got his ass arrested for attempted suicide, disturbing the peace and public endangerment, among others. Talk about carrying the torch, huh?

On a slightly different topic, why is it trying to commit suicide and failing is more often than not a crime, but succeeding is not? I don't get it.

The Roof, The Roof...

When I was typing the last sentences of this morning's entry, a house half a block down was burning down. The house fire started as a small grease fire at 3AM, promptly reported, and the first firemen started appearing in the scene at 4AM. Remember, I said before that it takes only about 15 minutes to get anywhere here on the island. The firefighters came to the scene more than a full hour after the fire was reported. Believe me, I was there, rubbernecking, and anyways, I had almost an unobstructed view of the blaze from the window from my room. The firefighters here are so pathetically inept that it's not even funny.

Since the fire started in just one room, it was manageable at first, and everyone in the building had time to evacuate. By the time the fire department responded, the whole house was ablaze. So a couple of firefighters came, stood around looking at the fire, smoking cigarettes and chewing tobacco, waiting for the water truck to come. Water truck came about thirty minutes later, 90 minutes after the report. So it comes barreling in the road, everyone gets down, and then runs around the truck then everyone got back in. Apparently the hole that the water comes out in was facing the other way from the fire. The truck tried to turn in the road, but since it was a narrow residential road, it couldn't, so after about 10 minutes of trying, they had to go around the block so that the truck would be pointing the other way. So everyone runs out from the truck again and starts to look busy for a few moments when I hear a loud commotion from the truck, with alot of yelling, and shouting and cursing. From what I gathered, the guy who was responsible for filling the truck with water before coming was AWOL, and the water truck had no water, and no one thought to check before they left the station, 90 minutes after the first call. So the truck goes barreling out again, looking for water.

By this time, the fire had engulfed the first house, and had moved to a second house and the firemen who were standing around were looking a bit...silly. So someone, remembering that they were firefighters, got the bright idea to tap into the water mains, connect some hoses onto it, and spray the fire with water until the truck, thus the pump, gets back. So a few firemen, instead of standing around looking at the fire smoking cigarettes and chewing tobacco, was standing around looking at the fire smoking cigarettes and chewing tobacco, spraying the fire with what amounted to glorified garden hoses, doing nothing to extinguish the fire but just making some steam, and looking even sillier.

By the time the water truck comes, it's 6 AM. One house is burned down to the ground, one is halfway there, and two more are on fire. So when everything is connected to the right holes and they round up enough people to hold the hose, it takes but 45 minutes to put out the fire. Well...there was nothing left to burn anyways. Fortunately, an asphalt road and another house was between my house and the blaze, so there was no direct effect from the fire for us. Well, the TV cable burned out, so we didn't have TV for a few hours, and the electricity for the house that was between us and the fire was directly connected to the house that caught on fire, so they didn't have power for like 6 hours. Rather trivial things I think, especially after watching 4 houses burn to the ground.

Hmph. At least no one died. Although while watching it, I felt the distinct urge to pitch a few of the morons from the fire department into the fire, see how they like it.

Graveyard Humor

I was really miserable yesterday, as you can see from my entry yesterday. Then while I was reading the paper this morning, and read something that made me giggle so much, making other people around me think that I was finally losing it. So a 75 year old woman was poisoning her 88 year old husband with arsenic for three months, and just got caught and arrested two days ago, when the husband was feeling ill and went to the hospital, where they found arsenic in his blood. I have no idea why she did that, since an 88 year old codger is liable to keel over at any given moment. I mean, the arsenic is probably the only thing keeping the old fart alive.

The question is, aside from the fact that the old lady couldn't wait for the old man to die naturally in a few months (what, 75 and you have no patience), where the fuck did she get the arsenic? I heard rat poison, but she was feeding it to him, and I'm sure he can tell by taste if there was rat poison in his stewed prunes. Or he was given real small doses, so instead of killing the poor bastard, stimulating him into life.

Ironic, isn't it?

Misery Loves Company

Archane told me earlier today that a four year old girl in her area was raped and badly beaten by two boys aged 17 and 13. I'm so miserable after brooding about it all afternoon that everything I wanted to blog about sounds so trivial and inane. I am insanely thankful that I never had the misfortune of running across any child molesters. I mean rapists and wife beaters are hideous enough. I don't think I can keep my MANLY facade if I'm involved with a child molester.

Aside from wishing that these two assholes rot in jail for the rest of their lives, I just hope that the little girl makes a full physical recovery. And I understand that an event like this will traumatize her psychologically for life, but I desperately hope that she will get the love and support that she needs and have at least a semblance of normal life.

That's all I wanted to say.

Love Conquers None

I know this guy, who's Korean, who used to be married to a Chinese chick. And she didn't speak any Korean, and he didn't speak any Chinese, so both of them had to converse in English, which they pretty much sucked at. So what I gather is that they didn't have much of a meaningful conversation going, and thus they had a very ugly divorce short while ago, which involved alot of fighting, wifebeating, two kids, restraining orders, etc. I don't know why this moron though marrying a chick he can barely communicate with was a good idea. I mean, love definitely does not conquer all. Especially when you can't even tell your wife what you want for dinner.

One of her major problems, other than the fact that the moron husband will beat her whenever he got drunk, which was practically every day, was that he would go to a strip bar almost every day. And she claimed that he wouldn't go there every day if he didn't have a girlfriend there, or something. And incidentally, this is the same strip club that the other person I mentioned before, the middle aged married guy who got arrested, had his mistress. And aside from these two clowns, I know of at least two other, and possibly more, married men who has girlfriends dancing there. Sheesh. And when I go there, the strippers don't even give me a second look, while they go out with old wrinkly married guys. What the fuck is the world coming to? I think the apocalypse is near, when all these married guys have two or three girlfriends in addition to their wives, while young, healthy, and virile guys like me can't even score one. No wonder there's a shortage of females on the island. The married guys are hogging all the females!

Shameless Theft

A few months ago, I made an entry about how I spend alot of my free time on Hot or Not. Recently I found something even better to waste hours upon hours of time I should spend sleeping on. Rate Her Tits. OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD. Then theme of the whole site is to look at tits and rate them on the scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the wrost, 10 being the best. And this site is eating up my time than Rosie O'Donnell in an all you can eat buffet.

And this is just a collection of 4 pictures, 2 and then 2 magnifications, but it has got to be seen to be believed. I have no idea if it's real or fake, but you can be sure that the pictures are all in my hard drive now. A warning though, there's one pop up ad. I shamelessly ripped these two links off sifichick and her blog.

And if you are one of the few who had not already done so, hurry to Eric Conveys an Emotion. And while you're at it, check out this page as well. These are some of the funniest shit I've seen in a while. Enjoy!

Color Of Money

The quarterly reports of Google came out the other day, and although they had turned a profit they are still not yet able even make a dent in their past losses, since google refuses to sell search placement or have invasive ads like a few other search sites do. The reason why google is so popular, aside from the usually dead on and numerous results, is that unlike good ol' Uncle Bill, they realize that the majority of the world still connect to the internet on a dial up network, and have made their pages sparse and unadorned so it load quickly. They had also recently started selling ads, but most of it is cued towards search queries, so that the ads are actually helpful instead of annoying.

But the point of this blog is not to praise Google although it is a subject worthy of praising until I turn blue in the face. What I wanted to talk about was how people react when free and popular sites tries to make money. I mean, I still remember the slashdot fiasco or how people reacted when Drew Curtis tried to capitalize on his name value popularized by Fark.com or the shitstorm caused when Chris Pirillo tried to sell some e-books for 5 bucks each on his LockerGnome site.

Look, there's nothing wrong with trying to make a few bucks with your website. That's what most of these are: a business. And the last time I checked, we are still living in a capitalistic society and the objective of any business in such a society is to get revenue and turn a profit. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that ever. If a person spends hours and hours a day working on something, even if he likes it, the person has the rights to make at least a living or a part of a living off of it. None of these people are multi millionaires as far as I know, and if they can put a few bucks in their pocket using their website, more power to them. The general geek culture on the internet is spoiled by years of free content and fast feedback, and think it's their right to receive free content forever and loudly, bitterly, and vociferously complain whenever someone violates their "ideals". And you know what pisses me off the most? Most of these people that complain are probably gonna be the first ones to try and capitalize if their website has even 10% of the popularity the above sites. They're the first ones who gonna put up the pop up ads, pop under ads, and those uber-annoying flash ads that zoom across the text.

And I don't understand it. It's still the same thing, they're still offering free content, same as before. They just have a few other new things on their site that requires a payment. What's the problem? If you like it, buy it. If you don't like it, then don't buy it and shut the fuck up and don't ruin it for everbody. 'Kay?

Hard To Handle

I read in the newspapers today that a 22 year old woman in Korea was arrested on charges of beating up her lesbian lover since the lover refused to have sex with her for like 3 days in a row. I don't condone any kind of spousal abuse, but...woo-hoo! And it gets better. The victim is a 31 year old school teacher! You know, just thinking about the situation there, without the beating, made Jun junior just stand at full attention over here.

First Time

I wanna be serious for a second here, and just mention that I know this married couple in their 50s, from China. And I think it's a crying shame they are working 12 hours a day seven days a week on menial jobs just so they can make 500~600 dollars a month each. And not get paid half the time as well by the motherfuckers that employed them. This is something that's REALLY unfair and unjust. Whenever I see them, it just breaks my heart, and makes me wanna weep. Real MANLY, huh? Yeah right.

Full On Facial

Top Ten Reasons Why I Can't Score

10. My face.
9. My face.
8. My face.
7. My big beer belly.
6. My face.
5. My face.
4. My insufferable, misanthropic, pessimistic, cynical, smug, superior, morose, just all around shitty personality.
3. My face
2. I'm shy.
1. My face.

Accursed

I think everyone knows by now that I haven't got any steady tail in over 3 1/2 years. Even then, when I was getting it twice a day on most days, I was still...ready to go at all times. To top it all off, the last time I scored was more than 4 months ago. So I'm always ready.

So why is it that today, I spent all morning talking about a hot-pillow joint? Huh? Spend all morning on the mating habits of various people and how long they last. (30 minutes-2 hours) And why is it that I'm gonna have to spend tomorrow morning talking about the same hot-pillow joint? And visit the damn place at lunch? Jesus fucking Christ, I'm like punching a hole through my pants here. I swear, that last chick who almost called the cops on me hexed me or something. I swear after her like three years ago, I'm getting hornier and hornier, but getting almost no chicks, while my job entails me to involve myself with pimps, prostitutes and hot pillow joints.

It's not fair.

Blue In The Face

I was talking to one of my friends the other day, and that person had mentioned something about quitting smoking. So to combat that foul word “quit”, I smoked even more that day and through the haze of nicotine, I came up with a list.

Top Ten Signs That I Smoke Too Much

10. Every time I exhale, a puff of smoke comes out.
9. There are nicotine cloud formations on the ceiling of my room.
8. I have to smoke two at a time to minimize the “down time”.
7. There are more empty packs of smokes in my trashcan than…stained tissue paper.
6. I have a Camel pool table.
5. When I go to the bathroom, I have to take three cigarettes. One in my mouth, and one behind each ear.
4. The moment I step in a store within a 5-mile radius of my house, the clerk automatically whips out two packs on the counter.
3. I refill my Zippo lighter every other day.
2. You know, there really is heroin in the filter.
1. I smoked four cigarettes while coming up with this lame list.

Blackout

When I woke up this morning, I was happily looking forward to a Saturday in front of the ol’ computer. All my urgent work is finished, all others could wait till Monday, and since it was raining heavily, there would be no calls for me to go fishing, swimming, and/or bikini appreciating. Then the power went out. It didn’t come back on for more than six hours, therefore thoroughly ruining my perfectly planned out day. I told you god hates me.

Anyways, I vented some of my frustration on giving Dog a bath, since that always entails a good beating. It’s hard work administering an ass beating in a tropical climate with the air conditioning out. Worked up a good sweat. Fortunately, since it was raining, it wasn’t too hot indoors, and even better yet, power came on like 15 minutes ago. So Dog is tied outside drying, and I just turned up the A/C full blast and is now sitting right under it. I feel better already.

Sex + Violence

If you're anything like me, you gotta take some abuse in order to score. Like getting slapped, pushed, hit in the head with shoes, etc. But I think the time that a chick got the most violent on me was when I was doing this chick from behind, and I got a little enthusiastic and it slipped out. So I pushed in with all my strength, and wondered why it was suddenly so...tight. Turns out, I aimed a little high, and half my unit was in her...alternate entrance. So she was yelling at me to take it out, and instead of complying, I proceeded to push her head into the bed, to immobilize her. Hey, I was too young to realize that I had to react like lightning at push her head in like a lion does a kill when prime opportunity like that presents itself.

So she was able to thrash me off, since I was kinda tentative and I didn't put my full power on the back of her head to immobilize her, and chick got off the bed and started to like, throw things at me. Big, heavy things. I got hit in the head with a curling iron thrown at full strength, and it busted my head open.

It was kinda embarassing explaining that head wound in the ER.

Jungle Fever

I didn't have an appointment until 10:00 AM this morning, so with the extra hour I had left, I spent channel surfing at home. One thing good about living on an island is that it only takes 15 minutes tops to get anywhere here. So I flip through Cartoon Network, and noticed that they were showing Alvin and the Chipmunks. And then a question arose in my mind. About the guy who took care of the chipmunks, I think he's name was Dave, or something like that. So my question is: What in god's green earth did Dave fuck to get three chipmunk children? What, he grabbed a chipmunk off a tree and fucked it? How the hell do you tell a female chipmunk from the male chipmunk? Or did he fuck each one until he got it right? And where do one go about obtaining chipmunks, anyways? In any case, Dave must be hung like a pimple if he has the ability to fuck a chipmunk. No wonder he's so pissed off and yelling all the time; he's angry about his miniscule dick.

I don't know. This thought went through my mind the two minutes I spent watching Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Bad Karma Chameleon

There's this guy. He's my client. He's almost 50 years old. And he's in trouble because he was doing three of his female employees, ages 31, 28, and 23. And they be a group of fine lookin' women over there. Is fate rubbing my face in it, or what?

Bane Of Existence

I had to do some shopping on Sunday, since I was running low on canned meat, and I ran across the wife and 5 year old daughter of someone I know. So I approach them at the market to say hello, and the little girl takes one look at me, gives this godawful shriek and breaks the sound barrier running for her mother. And she was wailing at her mother in some language I don't understand, since I don't have that much experience in kiddie speak, but I swear I heard the words "mountain troll" and "Harry Potter". Jesus fucking Christ, even with little girls my luck is rotten. I swear to god, I must have done something real bad in my past life to have deserved this.